Monday, April 26, 2004
The (depressing) Life, (unrequited) Love, and (mis) Adventures of Broke Man. I first met ***** during my stint here at 4C. She originally worked out of an agency branch office, and would come over for staff meetings. I thought she was pretty (she was), and she occasionally made valentine presents that I bought from her, through *****. Eventually, she apparently left 4C, then came back-- and she came back here at the administrative office. She started off being situated in the cubicle next to me. She’s very gregarious, and likes to talk-- a lot. Since i’m the affable listening type, I suppose she grew to feel close to me. I didn’t mind looking at her at all, especially when she would wear small clothing. she’s very religious, and generally only listens to gospel performers on the radio and CDs. She regularly listens to Christian music radio stations. Well, I needn’t go into my apprehension towards people who are ultra- spiritual-minded. It’s like an ironic curse-- people who are so “into God”, but have some obvious hang-ups (at least to me) that make my life relatively miserable in some way. What do you do when you are attracted to a woman who is married, not to mention working closely with her every day? This past year, I’ve been lending her money on a regular basis in various ways. I have bought her lunch almost literally every work day, five days out of the week, from month to month. Her tastes border on the expensive side of things, and it doesn’t help that the local establishments that I can walk to tend to be on the higher end of prices-- even though they’re “fast food”. But such is the way of downtown Detroit. I end up spending roughly $5 or better every day, just for her own food. If I buy myself something, then I can count on doubling the price, roughly. That totals roughly $100 per month, money that I could otherwise have for myself or paying other bills. Her now ex-husband lives and works in GA. I’ve met him once, at one of these Tahitian Noni meetings (more on that later), and he works for Bell South, the telephone utility. I don’t know exactly what his job title is, but apparently it is enough to support a family with, and in an office setting. Apparently-- and I didn’t realize it at first-- but there is/was some estrangement between them. A house was already purchased by her husband for well over a year now-- She left 4C in October 2000, only to come right back roughly a month or so later. As she later related to me, her fear is being ‘left’ to care for their son alone, and thus she’s trying to establish her own independent identity-- at the extreme rate of apparently refusing and/or not pursuing child/spousal support monies, neither on an informal nor formal basis. Another point of contention is ‘emergencies’. The most damning circumstances have been her car note and insurance note-- both totaling over 200 dollars each, I have ended up borrowing cash from my credit cards just to accommodate her. At first, I figured that I was just being neighborly, and she would get me my money back soon enough. But then, it kept happening. And happening again. And again. Even aside from buying her lunch, almost a week did not go by without me giving her some money for something-- even if it wasn’t for her car bills, it was something in relation to her son-- books, an educational toy, little league football registration, a cake for a school party, etc. Her son is on friendly terms with me, which I don’t mind-- but it also leads to another frustration for me-- If I were to ‘blow up’ at *****, what would that mean to her son? Strange, that I would fear the child’s reaction more so than *****’s. Perhaps because he’s had nothing to do with the predicament I’m in. Also, there were expenses regarding her gift baskets. She wanted to do it on a professional basis. She has a gift for making creative baskets, but it takes money to make them, obviously. But along the way she started asking me to go in with her to buy the supplies-- with the agreement that we split the profits. However, as would be my luck, she didn’t sell too many these past couple of times around, and I ended up just losing that money I spent--- not to mention the money I paid buying baskets as gifts for relatives. There’s another ‘season’ coming around now, and she ‘expects’ me to help her buy stuff again-- i’ve already given her $60 thus far this time. Whether that’s enough and I’ll have to pay out ‘more’ for my own baskets remains to be seen. If it’s a gas emergency, it’s 10 here, 5 there-- and if I’m with her, I can count on probably picking up a soda and/or chips. Even shortly after pay days, she’s asking for assistance-- $20 here, $30 there. She ‘discovered’ my feelings about her around the middle of the year-- Peg asked us about something or other, and me about whether I had plans for a ‘special someone’. I ended up giving ***** my ‘platonic friend’ letter and she hugged me. She wasn’t offended at all, apparently. When it comes to entertainment, she apparently enjoys going places-- but often, it ends up being on my tab. Not that I have a problem with treating someone, but it has gotten beyond being taken for granted. She’s an impulsive shopper, as i’ve come to learn, regrettably. She has such a casual way of asking for money, it is becoming increasingly frustrating to deal with her. I dread calling her out of fear that some ‘new’ idea will pop into her head that will end up costing me money. Both of my credit cards are on the verge of being maxed out, and i’m barely paying $100 per month to pay it off. I’ve got at least one old student loan that I’m stuck with paying off at $175 per month. I’ve got another one that I’ve only made a few payments on thus far. Plus, other bills come periodically, so I have to pay them, as well. Now, I’m back in school, I’m paying for tuition and books. I wanted to get a car/truck this year, but my involvement with ***** just totally threw a monkeywrench into that. I have no idea when I’ll be able to save enough money to buy something now. And then, there are ‘other guys’. She has friendships with plenty of men-- which, in and of itself, is innocent enough. Though, I think that several of them used to date her years ago-- and she speaks about them at varying lengths. Part of me doesn’t want to hear about it-- vague jealousy-- and part of me simply enjoys the fact that there is somebody else who has to foot some tabs besides me-- though I really have no idea whether or not she gets cash ‘loans’ from them or not-- certainly, she gets gifts-- which, again, is fine. Dwayne is aware of her ‘high maintenance’ status, but I have yet to tell him about the depths that I have plunged for her. I certainly don’t want to tell him just to rant-- but it’s really eating at me inside, and becoming frustrating, and depressing. In some bizarre, twisted way, I can only suppose she means well, and is a product of her socialization. Once she mentioned to me that she had a Hudson credit card when she was in high school, and ended up maxing it out. From there, to eventually living an arguably middle-class existence with her husband, with little or no money worries. But i’m getting sick of it. I alternate between wanting to yell at her to wanting to kiss her and make out with her. If I could do the latter, i’d probably be more forgiving for all of this bilking that’s going on. But of course, that’s not an option. I feel as if I have been carrying the financial burden that her husband should be taking care of-- and i’ve been going without any of the ‘husbandly’ benefits. I know that sounds bad-- I mean, I guess i’ve noticed plenty of pretty married women-- just none that i’ve had this regular contact with. She’s so petite and curvy, and I would love to just. Well, you know. She says she plans to go back to living with her husband in January. Originally, that was to be back this August, but those plans were scuttled. Currently, she has bought a bedding set through me, and is ‘looking’ for a house/apartment to move into. I guess this all fits into the “just in case” category. If and when January does come, she is allegedly going to move down there with her son. Of course, her son will have to enroll in a different school. She will allegedly continue school, and get another job. Will this happen? I sure as heck hope so. I stopped keeping general track of how much money she owed me after it swelled up beyond $1500. I don’t know, I might just tell her to ‘cut it in half’, if-- a big IF-- she actually starts paying me back consistently. And even then, she couldn’t hardly pay me back all at once-- I’d estimate it to be over 3K and counting-- so, can I look forward to getting maybe $100 a month in the mail next year? $200? I don’t know. I hope so. I really hope that she finds the happiness she wants, and deserves-- and I really hope that involves staying with her husband! Addendum: 10/24/03- Well, I sent her a letter today explaining all of my current feelings, wrapped in a bow. Who knows how she’s going to react, but I don’t care. I’m keeping my money with me from now on. She was mad, at least for a week, maybe. But now she’s back to the same attitude, only it hasn’t involved money—yet. Sigh. 3/1/04: And now more craziness. She’s still taking this correspondence course in Business, and has to complete this battery of tests with each subject book she receives. I guess she’s expected to finish them once every six weeks, roughly. Now this latest one is science. Easier than accounting. But there are still two problems from that book she didn’t finish as well. This is getting worse all the time. I can’t concentrate, I don’t feel like reading, things just start falling apart for me every time I try to get ahead.