Monday, April 26, 2004

I guess this is part of the reason that I’m kind of hesitant to pursue relationships- none that I grew up seeing were all that positive. It’s probably not too far fetched to say that I’m somewhat bitter about my long-standing solo status. The way my peers often rejected me, combined with the twisted home situation, has led me to be apprehensive about pursuing new acquaintances, especially romantic ones. Given my inexperience at having relationships, I’m afraid that I’d just end up doing something dumb and blow it before I realize what’s going on. That’s one thing about being alone- It’s been an integral part of my existence for so long, I almost can’t relate to the ramifications of being close to someone. What’s close enough? How much is too close? In modern-day pop psychology, much ado has been made about people who are ‘clingy & needy’; I don’t want to be perceived as a social vulture. Even if I was lucky enough to meet someone special- I’m so sexually repressed, I can just see myself going overboard, trying to make up for every aborted adolescent fantasy I’ve had. Whenever I’m around attractive women, my subconscious is virtually screaming. My eyes start roving, and I have to keep from being obvious about it. Any moment of physical intimacy I may have is going to be like lighting the fuse for a bomb. Part of me is going to say “take it easy & slow, she’s not going anywhere”, but the flip side says “Nail her! Smother it! Get rowdy! This could be your only lifetime chance!” Certainly, most women appreciate a man who can be ‘aggressive’ (at the right times), but if and when ‘the dark side’ is released, would that ruin her respect for me? Would I lose respect for myself? Maybe it’s just too late for me to even bother trying.
“It’s such a beautiful night for a date rape/ A beautiful night for a kill…/ It’s such a beautiful night for a homicide…/ A beautiful night, let’s go steal…/ It’s such a beautiful night to kill crackers/… A beautiful night, all around../ It’s a beautiful night for being anti-social,/ let’s have a night on the town…” Personal Mantra (by way of Prince Paul’s Psychoanalysis).

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