Thursday, April 17, 2008

OH, I'M GONNA GET IT NOW...

(preliminary blessings go to YBullard, Cecile, Mark Essex, PettyofficerJ, Bookworm616 and others for their input on my latest Desperate Cry for Help ™) For all others (un-)concerned, feel free to heap your perfectly justified scorn my way..

Ah, some days.. Ran into a guy friend I haven't seen in some time. We get along just fine, but somewhat inevitably, a certain question was hurled in my direction, and I think I told them some perfunctory excuse that wasn't my response below, but I'm thinking it should have been.. forgive me..

Friend to Hypestyle:“So why don’t you want to meet a nice church girl?” Um, let me get back to you on that. Why? Just because the way my luck works! Some folks like to go darn near all day, and then expect to come back from 6 pm to 8 for a second dose, and maybe the third tithe offering ("I sense a $500 blessing, saints.. who's got it?").
Heck, come August, I’ve got football to watch! Even if it’s a BYE week! And naturally, because I’m a human magnet for everything that I don’t want, The universe never let’s me get what I want.. I love the Lord, and I dig women who do, too. Still, I can’t be bothered with any Aunt Esthers in training, I’d have to be ‘Woody’ and start drinking to deal with it (google or wiki Sanford & Son); to them, everything, this that & the other is secular, is worldly; she doesn’t want to eat at a Chinese restaurant, not that the food isn’t good (no MSG/cat jokes, please), but they have some kind of Buddha statue up in there, and that’s blatant paganism, and you know, since it’s Chinese, it might turn into a giant robot, so you might want to call homeland security while you’re at it— Really, a kid-free, riches-free guy like me justs wants a jump-off buddy, who herself is just looking for a jump-off buddy, that’s all! I don’t think it’s really that complicated? Other people get that when that’s what they want.. but no, because that desire, happens to be spoken or thought of by me, because that request happens to come out of my mouth, all of the sudden the universe is like “Is that Hypestyle bleating again? uh-uh, no can do, we’re fresh out, screw that, we gave it all away at the office!” The way my luck works, either I can expect to meet the woman who expects me to be the type of guy who doesn’t have King Magazine, and/or Halle Berry tribute magazines in his possession, or they expect me to be the guy who’s genuinely offended at comedy movies (like Wedding Crashers or The 40 Year Old Virgin)when women lose their tops for no good reason- and heck, I don't feel like having to lie about it.

OVERLY GENERALIZED FEAR #1
Let's see, who's out there? Single moms ain't what they used to be. Especially nowadays, you have the demographic of the single mother whose baby’s daddy—or maybe there’s even more than one—is some parolee type: either he's been to the pen, there right now, or getting ready to get on the bus. As the saying goes, I ain’t no punk, but I’m not looking forward to, I don't know, being confronted at random at a gas station or a movie theater: “Yo, whassup kid, yo, you been kickin’ it with Monique? You tappin’ that? You hit that? Yo who the f*** told you you could all up on my baby’s moms, son? Ni**a don’t you know I'll put some hot ones on you (etc., etc.)”; ..and even if he’s not the violent type, inevitably when I come to visit the gal then he starts banging at the door, finally wanting to visit the kids. "Yo where you at? I know you got a ni**a up in there! Stop frontin'!"

How many phone conversations can I expect to overhear where she all of a sudden starts cursing the other person out? “Mothafu*ka, that’s why I left your ass to begin with… Hell no, I’m not coming over your place to braid your hair; your triflin’ ass ain’t pay me for the last time I did that; no, a gallon of milk and a box of skittles don’t count, mothafu*ka… What? No, Ni**a, fu*k you! (click)… So the way I look at it—any single mother worth seeing is naturally going to have priorities to put her children first, which means whatever her job is—if she has a job—then she’s probably working some intense hours, and probably has to pay somebody to look after the kids, which means she’s probably more than a little financially tapped, and she probably wants to be able to spend more quality time with the kids, which dating more or less cuts into by default, unless every time you go out on a date somehow it ends up involving (shudder) kids' restaurants (ahem, Family Restaurants) like Jeepers or Chuck E. Cheese or adding (potentially several) kid’s admission and a popcorn combos (who's got some big pockets? here, put some Snickers in before we go) along with whatever money you’re having to shuck out for the movie tickets. So the way I see it, I’m doing single mothers a favor by not bothering them, I’m actually giving them the space they need to bond further with their child without the outside interference from a man who may not even be there in the long run. (See? I'm sensitive.. )

OVERLY GENERALIZED FEAR #2
Or, maybe, you know, there’s the woman where the only missionary position they’re interested in is one where they stay in Haiti or Israel or Nicaragua, where they’re teaching foreign kids English most of the day or some drudgery that I can't pretend to be courageous enough to be bothered with, and hoping that some rogue militiamen or a suicide bomber don’t stop by to visit, “say, we’re really sick of all that Michael Bolton & John Tesh music you keep playing over the loudspeakers; have a grenade!” Let’s see, who else would I probably end up meeting?

OVERLY GENERALIZED FEAR #3
Oh, lastly there’s the woman who willingly was a freak on wheels for at least a several year stretch, but then maybe they slipped in the bathtub, knocked their head and decided it was a religious experience and so now they’ve declared their “second virginity” (groan) and they intend to live a life of celibacy until that distant day when she marries the guy who looks forward to waiting as much as she does, and who will gladly save 4 months worth of salary for an engagement ring, and who knows how many month’s salary for a down-payment on a house; if the prospect of being expected to cover a house note, insurances and other utility bills doesn’t take your h*rd-on away, I don’t know what will..

HOPE SPRINGS INFERNAL (apologies to Alexander Pope)--
..a longtime female friend, "Lisa" (not her real name)who i used to have a crush on, recently got married.. through conversation, I guess I told her about some things.. so Lisa gets an idea..
I need a makeover! (sound the alarms!)

she (along with some of her female friends) wants to help me put together a new wardrobe, new haircut, etc. She wants me to write up some basic bio information about myself, and what i'm looking for in a date.. from there, i'd set up some kind of listing on one of the dating websites; she's willing to help me in 'screening' people for any possible responses, and then do some one-on-one interviewing herself.. Oh, this is just going to be wonderful, cats & kittens.. Where's my camcorder, I might as well make a short film out of the experience..

A Final Disclaimer
If it didn't come across with my frequent stabs at self-deprecation, I don't remotely see all religious women and/or single moms as, uh, "problem types", but for whatever reason the most gratingly eccentric ones seem to hover in my orbit... and kind of like Ray Romano's mom on Everybody Loves Raymond, they're kind of cheerfully oblivious to their own eccentricities.. while I tend to lay mine bare on Internet message boards.. :)

Blessings to all!

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